My last post here, i think.

TW: moaning, loneliness, trans stuff.
I haven’t worn make up in months. I don’t know when I shall again. I find myself getting used to the isolation of lockdown and I know my nature very well, without care and attention I could find myself staying isolated and behind closed doors for the rest of my life. I’ve lost the pride and care in my appearance and can’t really face the effort needed to get dressed up like those ladies who get dolled up to take out the bins. This morning I went to the shop in 4 days old clothes and 3 days of stubble. I just don’t seem to care anymore. I mean, what’s the point? I need rescuing but a pandemic is on.
One of the things that people used to say when I told them I didn’t like being single was “It’ll happen, just stop looking.” and “If it’s meant to be…” This is utter bullshit. There are millions of women who died old and single waiting for some miracle of fate to happen. I’m trans and only interested in women. No one wants us. I can maybe find one or two old fat men to fuck me as a fetish but I don’t want them. I need a pretty, funny woman to rescue me but a pandemic is on.
I’m trying everything but I’m still not losing weight because I can’t get out due to a dearth of motivation, depression, and a sedentary job. This means my surgery is never going to happen which also means my life is done. Even if I had the £25k to fly to Thailand I couldn’t get the operation because I’m too fat and it would mean I’d have to fly there on my own (which I would talk myself out of due to fear) and fly back on my own (which they don’t like due to surgical weakness issues. You’re not even supposed to lift a handbag in case you rupture yourself). I need rescuing from my despair and my removal from the NHS trans pathway but there is a pandemic on.
I have contracts which cost a business owners rate despite the fact im now an employee so I’m almost constantly broke. I was planning on doing a hotel tour of north Wales in 2022 for a month but I can’t even keep up with my bills. I paid off some bills and had a good Christmas thanks to a friend’s generosity but I’m stuck in a rut really. I’m part of a business I started that I’m not really part of anymore. I need to feel useful but I’m ill and there’s a pandemic going on.
My health is worse than it’s ever been except my fatigue is slightly less due to me boosting my vitamin D to an astonishing degree. My peripheral pain is terrible and I no longer have a sense of touch in my feet or finger tips. I can’t hold pens without shaking. They shoot horses don’t they? My suicidal ideation has calmed down and now I’m apathetic about waking up tomorrow instead of actively seeking to die. I would leave this Earth for good but it would hurt my mum and there’s a pandemic on.
So… yeah. Horrifically lonely, undateable, half-trans freak, broke, ugly, self pitying and trapped monster. You can’t convince me otherwise. Please don’t try. I’d be surprised if anyone gets to the bottom of this. Why can’t my soul just give up on things? Why can’t I just die in the night? Hope is so destructive. I will be 70 and think “maybe… just round the corner…”. I’m SICK of planning things and them going nowhere. At some point you’d have to be really fucking stupid to think something other than “It’s you, Steph. No one likes you.”
Seriously. What’s the point? My life is going nowhere and I’m just taking up resources.


Today’s been an odd day. I’ve been listening to Big Country and dreaming of a lost youth I wish I could recapture. I missed out on so much pretending to be male and the moment I hit female presenting I realised how much I’d lost. How alone I am both romantically, spiritually, and socially.

I had the urge to reach out and say hi, a few words, or just read a sentence from friends I don’t know anymore. Just to experience them one more time. I’d love to say my mental state is crumbling but it’s always been crumbling. Now I just think I’m bored and tired and not willing to waste resources or taking up space. Things might be different if I still had a social circle, or could jump around to rock music, or had the energy to not throw up at least once every 2 days.

I think I’ve stopped and started to fade into the west despite wanting to keep moving. I have no interest in waking up tomorrow. None. Don’t worry, I’m too lazy/exhausted/frightened to proactively do anything to end my life. I just can’t summon the energy to keep it going either. Fucked up, eh?
This must be pretty boring fir those who know me. You’ve heard it all before. At some point it’ll be put up or shut up.

twilight 2000 mock cover

I’m a huge fan of the GDW games from back in the day. Twilight 2000, Traveller, Space 1889, and 2300AD.

Someone acting on behalf of GDW posted new material for Twilight2000. The cover doesn’t accurately express the feel of the Twilight 2000 setting so I made one.


Words, words, WORDS! and a map.

Hi everyone,

Just a quick update to say that August’s preliminary text is in. I’m currently going over it with notes and comments. It’s looking good!

Also, here’s the first of the updated maps. I’m thinking on whether villages should go on there (they’d be unnamed) and of any other points of interest. Constructive comments welcome but this is probably going to be the final look minus some tweaks.

Let me know what you think… only another 35 to go!


Current projects

Leviathan, my own RPG world, funded (just!) on Kickstarter and I’m  hard at work comp0leting commissions for several clients in order to devote my time to completing and shipping  The Things We Leave Behind and Distant Realms. The picture with the soldier in front of the castle is by the very talented Jonny Gray and will feature in Distant Realms.